I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
