The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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