I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
