She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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