I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
