stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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