just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
