it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
