he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
