I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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