dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
