you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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