Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
