i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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