haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
