i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
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shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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