Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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