OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
