Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
