I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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