My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
