I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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