her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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