So drunk its hurt
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
