last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
