I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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