Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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