If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
