i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
