so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
