I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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