I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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