I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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