Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
