On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
