walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
