i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
