i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
