Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
