i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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