So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
