I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
