My Higher Power is John Stamos
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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