I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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