There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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