Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
