it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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