I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
