You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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