I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
