whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
