I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
