My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
