a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
