it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Help. Why am I so naked?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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