At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
