Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
