My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
