There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
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All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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